Wanted

We all have a hunger to be wanted, whether its by your friends, family, or even that special someone that replays all of your snaps. Having that feeling that if you were to vanish tonight, then those people would start a riot in the streets tomorrow until you were found is something people crave more than any meal or drug. Solitude of any kind that lasts more than a few months has been known to drive some people insane, but now picture being involuntarily placed in solitude while in civilization. Now before I explain myself I would like to inform you that this isn't a happy post and has no intention of leaving you with a call to action on how to better yourself, so turn back now if you came here looking for anything else. 

Now when I said being placed in solitude while in civilization I meant that when people view you as so insignificant that you blend in with the wallpaper, in conversations your voice harmonizes with the people around you and quickly have your opinion tuned, or in class you're overwhelmed by all of the sophisticated conversations that you simply sink so deep into your chair that your teacher marks you tardy. Much like Robert Smith who from the outside seemed like man who had it together with a nice suit for every day, a well paying job, and a smile, who later jumps off a building in broad daylight killing himself. With some people around him saying that it was the most interesting thing he had ever done. I think I can speak for the majority of my class when saying that reading that page for the first time made me stop and think "oh dear lord I hope thats not me after college".

A man so torn by the world around him that he honestly thought death was literally the only option as a chance for solace. This had me thinking that if I wasn't the guy I am now, with the friends and family I have now, where would I be? I strongly advise the majority of you to think just how lucky you actually are knowing that someone looks for you in the crowd at school assemblies or simply texts you after or during the day to make sure you... well made it through the day. Now picture those people were gone, they didn't move or die but they simply never existed in the first place. How do you think your daily routine would go knowing that the people you stand with in the morning before first hour wont be there? Or that the friendly faces you see in the lunch room migrated elsewhere without you, Horrible right? I guarantee you that there are more than a few of those people in our school, and the number only rises the farther out you look.

Im not telling you to look around during passing time or lunch to find said people because honestly I dont think you could even if you tried. Thats not an insult but the truth, because while reading this you probably created some frail little wallflower that walks around the halls looking at their feet but thats the devil in the details. It could literally be anyone, someones world could be silently burning to ash and they could most likely be the person you stand with in the morning or during lunch, or the people leading the daunting conversations in class. It could be that one person that you see on instagram and think "yanno why cant my life be as exciting or vsco worthy like them?" Im not the first and sure as hell wont be the last when I tell you that people put on masks. By choice or by circumstance its just a way of life, but the real problem is that sometimes when you have a mask on for too long you start to forget you're even wearing it and life appears so awful and grey that you just cant take it anymore. I dont expect any of you to do this, but tell your friends, family, boyfriend or girlfriend how much they really mean to you because not everyone is lucky enough to have read this last sentence and have a hundred names and faces come to mind.

Yours truly

-Connor